did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
