eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
