no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
