In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
