When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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