I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
