can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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