Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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