The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
