No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
