god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
