im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
We need to rekindle our bromance
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
