mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
