I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
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