So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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