I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
