y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
