You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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