I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
there is glitter all over my balls
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
