I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
