She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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