Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
