There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
love makes seman taste better
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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