your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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