i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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