4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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