onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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