Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
