Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
