I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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