Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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