My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
