I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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