Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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