hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
