Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
