Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
