the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
