I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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