i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
