I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
