I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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