I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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