You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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