About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
