Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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