YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
