I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
