so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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