...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
