i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
