Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
