What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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