How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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