we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
