i need an iv and a liver transplant
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
