Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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