Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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