I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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